Blokes: why not give the loved one in your life something to remember you by during those long nights apart? The Boyfriend Pillow is a full-body pillow with an integral hugging arm, ideal for snuggling up to. For those occasions when you can’t be there for her (or him) to rest on your manly chest. But beware: One user writes ecstatically: “I bought it to give my husband the “cold shoulder” for some long forgotten misdeed. However, was I surprised to find that this is the most comfortable pillow I’ve ever owned.” Use may be addictive. But you can always ‘elbow’ your way back into your other half’s affections on the nights when the custom arm-attached pillowcase needs washing. £18.71 from overstock.com
Guys or gals: Scared of commitment but mad about your love? Flirt with proposal with the two-carat cup, a mug with a diamond ring (well, actually it’s a Swarovski crystal) as its handle. The ring/handle fits snugly over the third finger of the left hand. So as your loved one wraps his or her hand around their next coffee, they’re actually saying ‘I do’. And what could be more laid-back than that? Each mug comes in an oversize presentation box, so all the recipient will see on opening is the ring nestling in black velvet. £9.20, available with ring/handle in gold or platinum finish from popdeluxe.net
Wimmin: Do you find your partner can be … let’s say ‘undemonstrative’? It’s a common problem. Let their T-shirt do the demonstrating with the Dynamic Life Shirt. For your money, you get a pair of black cotton T-shirts, each with a row of six hearts across the chest. But these are no ordinary designs. Each T-shirt has an inbuilt sensor, detecting how far apart the wearers are, and the hearts light up according to proximity. When you are apart, your love force fades down to two and a half hearts. But as you get closer, more hearts illuminate until you are within hugging range, when all six hearts glow brightly. Awww. Heartwarming stuff. £16.00 the pair from Think Geek, via Amazon.com
Blokes: Have you been a crap boyfriend in the last twelve months? Do you think your image with your other half could use improvement? This authoritative field guide to rubbish boyfriends is just what they need. Ideal for loo book lovers. “50 Boyfriends Worse Than Yours” is a guaranteed page-turner, filled with sod-awful fellas who really ought to be having a little think about the way they come across. Warning: If you are an especially bad boyf, it may be worthwhile flicking through the book before giving, to make sure that you don’t match any of the descriptions therein. £8.50 (hardback) with free delivery from amazon.com
Straight couples: Do you wish you could keep your other half in check more easily? Then talking remote controls could be just what you need. There’s a blue one for use by boys and a pink one for girls. Each issues a range of commands at the touch of a button. Included in the range of comments on the ‘for girls’ control are ‘You’re not going out like THAT’ and ‘All right, hand over the credit cards’, whereas the boy remote includes such irresistible utterances as ‘What about MY needs?’, ‘What were you THINKING?’ and the untrumpable ‘The King Speaketh!’. If you’re the sort of couple who argue over the TV remote, then this gift will provide endless hours of annoyance. Boy and girl varieties available separately from amazon.com, in pink and blue … and you can guess which is which.
Straight blokes and lesbians: Everyone remembers candy bracelets … what do you mean you don’t remember candy bracelets? They were delicious treats formed of little rings of sweet stuff looped on an elastic bangle. Now available in adult format, with a stunning edible bikini set. Warning: Requires commitment to personal hygiene. Colours may run if dampened. Outfit contains approximately 60 calories.
Perverts of all genders and persuasions: Think your love is, like, totally hot? Fancy showing them off in a home made movie? You need Yoostar: “The revolutionary new entertainment system that lets YOO star in scenes from movies.” The Yoostar Entertainment System provides everything you need to turn your home into a film studio – to film the most romatic scence from your favourite films. Hurry though – Yoostar stops being sold on Valentine’s Day!