Christmas is upon us. Once again it’s time to deck your halls with boughs of holly (whatever that means) and get liberal with the festive cheer.
To me, this is the phone of a generation: Forget the iphone, the Nokia 3210 is an icon. Before the days of apps and maps we had snake, and polyphonic ring tones. Before we had touch screens and styluses (stilii?) we had buttons you could actually press, covered in a foamy duvet of a keypad. Good times.
In recent years it’s become clear to me that the iphone is out of my league. I have now lost two, bought one from ebay in rather suspicious circumstances and just dropped my current one on its delicate, glassy face. It’s safe to say I can’t be trusted. My current phone also has a battery life of two hours, making it more a work of art that an actual communication device.
There is a certain talent in making calls before the battery dies, without getting broken glass stuck in my ears. But it’s time for a phone that costs less to replace than the night out I lost it on.
So hi Nokia, it’s been a while, I’m sorry for everything I said before…take me back? Please?
A boyfriend pillow
At the risk of sounding a little Bridget Jones, I think this looks great. Not only is it (vaguely) male shaped, it’s also machine washable and very, very quiet. Plus you could hurl it onto the floor when you get hot, or if it in any way disagrees with you. Basically it’s the perfect bed partner.
According to Deluxe Comfort: “You will love the way that he wraps around you and holds you all through the night without snoring or without saying a word. It is as if he knows exactly what you want.” Funny that. It’s almost as if ‘he’ isn’t actually a real person but an inanimate object.
Maintaining a stable bedtime relationship can be tricky. Winter also happens to be the worst time to wake up shivering next to the wall while your partner cocoons themselves in your duvet. So instead of all that hassle (or love and romance – whatever you want to call it), I’m going to get serious with this strange looking pillow…
…Until Christmas is over, that is. There’s only so long I want to have a relationship with a piece of foam in a shirt.
A food processor
I know. It’s not exactly thrilling is it? But I like to think of this as maturity. For the first time in my life I am asking for donations to my real, adult life, and all the cooking and cocktail preparation that goes with it.
I recently moved into a new flat and after turning it into an imitation Ikea showroom, it’s time to buy some more things I actually need. After watching a lot of Jamie Oliver’s thirty-minute meals, it looks like a blender is one of those things. I’m no stranger to the kitchen, but watching Jamie turn ingredients I would merely have chopped (badly) into an expert pulp looks tempting. I too want to look like I know what I’m doing as I whizz another clove of garlic in front of my waiting dinner party guests.
My other key inspiration for this is a basil daiquiri my friend made me recently. It turns out that blending a load of ice with several alcohols creates a drink which seems both highly sophisticated and highly, er, alcoholic.
Like I said, bring on maturity. Bring me a blender.
A pug money-bank
…Because nothing says financial security like a porcelain pug.
We’re leaping back a few years on the maturity scale now: It’s a money pot where you can’t actually get at the money. If my bank card was rigged to work like this I might be a lot better off. As it is I’m going to have to resort to taking out all the cash in my account and stashing it in this. Forever. Or until I get a job…it’s a fail-safe plan. I once had a money jar like this one when I was younger but sadly only managed to save enough for a penny sweet binge. Fingers crossed for some better results this time around.
This particular money bank is great as it fulfils two of my needs, functioning as both a pet and a piggy bank. My flat is ill equipped for real life pug ownership, but a porcelain one should basically do the job – as long as I don’t attempt to walk it.
I’m also hoping its mournful face will prevent me from taking a hammer to its head in a 3am raid on the coppers I’ve saved. Fingers crossed for a burgeoning sweet stash by mid- January….
A cat suit (not like that)
This falls into the category of ‘Things I would never ever buy for myself but actually really want’. My family may be surprised when I request this giant animal suit (does she want it for job interviews? To wear on dates?) but they’ll be laughing on the other sides of their faces when I’m the best dressed at every future fancy dress party.
I know the onesie trend has been around for a few years now, but never has a suit been so realistically designed to look like a human sized tabby cat. Even the tail is padded to give extra verisimilitude. When I show up to my friend’s New Year’s eve party dressed in this heads will turn. I’ll be the talk of the town. It’ll be like that moment in Bridget Jones when she’s dressed in a bunny suit, except I’ll look amazing, and everyone else will wish they’d thought of coming as a giant pet cat.
If you needed extra persuasion, just look at how happy the model is! It’s because his slightly creepy cat suit brings all the girls to the yard. Yup. Roll on 2013 and my new found fame as ‘that girl dressed in the cat suit – no, the other one.