Two couples who have been together since 2000 share their views on the nature of relationships, as well as how to successfully navigate them.
Gerry Kelsey, 61 and Tina Kelsey, 55: Edmonton, London
Q: What do you believe is key to a good relationship?
Gerry: “I will put friendship first because that’s the most important thing, along with understanding each other. We still have our differences but every day is a school day with relationships and that’s important. We are still learning as we go along.”
Tina: “It’s about giving each other freedom to follow your own path but also being mindful of the other person’s life as well. There’s also more acceptance now that women can pursue their careers, maybe because there’s now more necessity for women to go out and work but doing that has helped me add balance to the dynamic and made the relationship stronger. The thing about marriage is that you’ve got two people, yes you are one, but you are still two individuals. Sometimes we do stuff together and sometimes we do stuff on our own, and that’s okay. You also have to have a sense of humour and recognise each other’s. That’s been really important for us.”
Q: How has your relationship changed over 25 years?
Gerry: “Recently when our two children grew up and left for university, it was really weird because we started thinking what did we do before we had children? So it is quite odd, rediscovery.”
Q: What is your advice for anyone thinking of getting married?
Gerry: “Make sure you find someone who is really compatible. The only way you can find that out is by meeting lots of different people before you get married, really. No one teaches you that sort of stuff at university or school, you need to make mistakes.”
Tina: “It’s not in the marriage service anymore but it is important to note that obedience does not mean to follow without question. It means to listen and to respect. You are not going to always agree on everything. There is a pressure for everything to be perfect, but it is in fact a rollercoaster.”
Afzal Kutty, 53 and Naureen Kutty, 49: Mumbai, India / Atlanta, Georgia
Q: How did you meet?
Afzal: “She’ll be surprised I know this; I met her the 18th of September through mutual friends.”
Naureen: “You remember?”
Afzal: “I told you she would be.” [He laughs]
Q: What has changed about your relationship after 25 years of marriage?
Afzal: “As time flies, you get more matured. The best thing now about our relationship now is that no matter what happens, she has my back. When we were younger, our family used to struggle slightly with money, but now that we are financially strong, whatever we want, whatever she wants we can get. They don’t have to ask for it. Yeah. That really made a difference for me.”
Naureen: “When we got married, he used to tell me, I can’t give you anything, but one day, I will give you diamonds. It’s true, now I am a diamond girl. [She laughs] After being together so long, I am also more confident to take risks, I have complete faith in him. I always know that he is there.”
Q: What are the biggest hurdles you’ve had to overcome throughout your 25 years of marriage?
Naureen: “My family is Catholic, and Afzal’s is Muslim. 25 years ago, to get married inter-caste was very difficult. In India, getting married in a different religion, yeah, it’s a big task. People were keeping an eye out for when it would get spoiled or when bad things will happen. But recently, my friend told me that her daughter is getting married to someone Hindu, and that she wonders if they will be happy, but when she sees our marriage, she feels relaxed. It made me think, although difficult at first, it has been possible to overcome.”
Afzal: “To get financially stronger, I had to move, so now we are long distance. It’s hard, but in many ways, it brings us closer together. It makes us worry more; how will they be managing their life? How will they be taking care of themselves? We call every day, which actually makes it easier to comfort each other at times. So actually, the love keeps growing. We love each other more than we used to.”
Q: How do you think relationships have changed over the last 25 years?
Afzal: “Nowadays, being in a relationship and marriage is like having fast food. You’re desperate to have it, but soon you get bored. Lately, breakups and divorces are common. I would say relationships are like London weather. You never know when it’s going to change. Often people have arguments and that’s the end of the relationship, I would say. But previously, no matter what, you stayed together. I think you have to try to make it work.”
Q: What do you believe the secret is to a long and successful relationship?
Afzal: “We are always together in our ups and downs. In your ups, you’ll find many people who are with you. The real partner is the one who is always with you when you’re having a bad time.”
